I know there are a lot of women can relate to the pain from an absence of a father and other issues—I mean, even with my first heartbreak it took me three years to get over that pain that I felt. I think sometimes, it’s because we don’t want to let go of what happened to us and sometimes we do—we kind of self-handicap ourselves into thinking ‘there must have been something I could have done better’. You know we just really stress ourselves out by what’s happening to us. What are some of the reasons a lot of people don’t heal? What would you recommend to begin that healing process from a professional standpoint? “I think the first thing is to understand is that there are so many different pathways to healing. I’m noticing with more and more of my clients that the other thing is knowing and believing that healing is possible. If you don’t believe that it’s possible, it defeats the purpose of trying to heal. Then you have to actually do the work involved in healing. A lot of times we allow negativity to get in our mind. Engaging in positive thoughts, positive self-talk. It may sound silly, but it’s well worth it.
Also, you must be sure not to beat yourself up when you do fall. We all do it a lot. If we fall we think ‘Oh my God, this is hopeless’ when really you need to put things in proper perspective and say ‘yes, I slipped. I made a mistake, but tomorrow is another day.’ I think those are the things that we should focus to help towards healing. We also have a lot of shame. We feel if we share something about ourselves that is not so desirable, will we still be loved? The source of our shame is that fear of disconnection. So, once we get that into proper perspective and learn that it is not easy, but that it can be done we begin to heal.
I think to sum up everything I said, the overall theme here is self-compassion. The same compassion you share with others is the same compassion we MUST extend to ourselves. That is a huge part of healing.”
I try all the time to get people to understand that you’re number one on the priority list. We feel selfish when we do that. I think it’s a fantastic thing to be able to take care of yourself. It’s just that so many people don’t know how to. I had low self-esteem because I allowed and believe what others said to me where true. Would you say that putting yourself first could act as a cure to low self-esteem? “We don’t understand that before we can have a relationship with others, the relationships with ourselves should come first. We think that when we are in a relationship that the other person is supposed to complete us, but the thing is, if you’re not complete within yourself there’s no way someone else will be able to do that. You have to take the time to wholeheartedly examine yourself. It’s really important that you know who you are because when you know who you are it will really change the way you love and ultimately the way you live.