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The Attack On Beards: Team Beard or Nah?

The Attack On Beards: Team Beard or Nah?

Written by Nhayah Goode


Have you all heard about this? One of the most beautiful locations for hair on a Man has suddenly become a target. There are a litany of reports blatantly assassinating the character of beards. The beard world almost stood still when Lisa Bonet’s husband, Jason Mamoa, who is known for his beard, recently shaved it off. If this is your first time hearing of this returning from a blissful 4/20 and Easter weekend, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. He still looks incredible without it, he certainly has the face that can do both, he didn’t have to kill the beard though! Albeit Jason did do it for a good cause, which was to promote recycling and if ya’ll would take better care of the Earth, he wouldn’t have had to make this sacrifice. When I saw Wendy Williams aim her guns at the facial hair during a segment of Hot Topics, I knew something wasn’t right and I discovered something truly appalling for a beard lover like myself. The beard streets are talking mess and here’s what they’re saying.

One report made the ludicrous claim that Men with more luxurious beards have smaller packages. Comparable to what the Napoleon complex insinuates; that most short Men over exert themselves to make up for short comings, apparently a thicker beard means you’re using it as an accessory to make up for lighter endowments. Allegedly, the beard is being used to lure prospective sexual partners to the bedroom and folks are out here busting it down because of sexy facial hair. Now I don’t believe it’s gone that far, however, I’m sure there’s certain things that can turn a person all the way on and said person might just do it for a mane on the face.

Another crazy idea was that the beard makes men appear angrier, which I feel to be totally untrue. Just like all artwork and really anything in life, that’s extremely subjective. I would agree there are some men that make facial hair look pretty scary due in large part to their overall style or that scary patchy wannabe beard thing that the non-growers have going on. However, beards have different personality types. There are teddy bear beards, hostile beards, struggle beards, dirty beards, and the sexy Lamont Johnson beard (@lmg_bangbang). Go see for yourself, that beard deserves its OWN category.

Speaking of dirty, that brings me to the last and most aggressive attack, claiming that beards are as dirty as dogs fur and the devil is a lie. The research was conducted in Europe and according to a Chicago Sun Times article, they tested bacterial samples from dogs necks and shoulder blades and samples from beard hair around the mouths of several men, to which they concluded that there are microbes in beards that are more pathogenic then dogs fur. With all things, we should always get a second opinion, because European research isn’t always thorough or accurate, if ever. They tried it with that one, because the only way your beard could be as dirty as a dog is if you act like a dirty dog, in my opinion. That doggish behavior like roaming the streets harassing humans and other animals, I had a dog like that once. Sticking their nose in any and everything, wildly humping legs and the only way they stay clean is if their owner gives them baths, they give themselves a bird bath by licking themselves and go about their day, they run through some sprinklers or get caught in the rain; totally random acts of cleanliness. I actually could see those beards being foul, but an overall trash beard depends on the hygienic habits of the Man.

It just seemed like the war on beards happened abruptly and I’m just wondering if it was orchestrated at this point because beards are magically delicious. Men have enough to be concerned with when it comes to the actual loss of their crowns, but to frivolously try to destroy the beard like this is absurd. Men don’t be discouraged by this foolishness. Just treat your facial hair like you should treat your bodies, internally and externally. Use plenty of water and find something nourishing and aromatic to maintain it. Love thy beard. Periodt.

How do you feel about the beard game? Let me know in the comments section below. Are beards friend or foe?

With Love,

Nhayah Goode


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