Written by: Langston John Blaze
In school, it was cute to have a crush because you could be shy without coming off too weird. You probably were put in group projects and activities with them so it was easy to be friendly and get to know the person during lunch or recess or that lame Home Economics class. But as an adult, having a crush can go from cute to getting the boot. Staring in awe was hardly cute, in our teen years, when crushes made us go goo-goo ga-ga at the sure sight of them. Stare in awe as an adult, and you become that-one-weirdo-who-stares.
And in our backwards society, where it’s weirder to physically engage a person versus the world wide web, where can we stand with the people we meet and interact with to some degree? On top of that, what if the person you have a crush on is who you work with, and on top of that, what if they are somewhat you’re SUPERIOR!!!? Also known as: let the messy drama begin.
It’s become more fact than opinion that gay men are well known for their “caddy” demeanors (caddy meaning someone with an over confident and some times sarcastic attitude). Admitting that you are attracted to another gay man is like shooting yourself in battle. It’s like you have to fake how you feel or at least downplay it to a greater good. Like men in general, we like the hunt of it. The moment the potential lovers in our life give into our chase, we turn the other way.
In truth, how many games do we have to play in order to get the attention of someone who we can admit to ourselves we are attracted to? Everyone wants someone real but their brand of so-called authentic is real fake. In love, you might as well be a wounded swimmer in the middle of the ocean; shark bait. It’s like the way we feel is what leads to getting caught wounded in the sea.
I have never been able to deny my feelings when it comes to being into someone. I guess after I accepted my sexuality, it was easier to accept my more vulnerable feelings. It’s not really about playing by the rules when it comes to love. It’s about how you market yourself. Presentation is everything. Intimidation is a gift. You don’t have to be an asshole to intimidate someone; some just choose to be. Just like beauty, intimidation is how you see someone. They graduated above your standards of presentation.
That’s why when I realized I had a serious crush on a superior at my job, something in me decided to pursue the situation. Gavin Davis was young, very handsome with a certain feminine charm that had interested me more than usual in most gay men. I never had anything against flamboyant gay men. It was more so about some of their need for attention through wrongful direct intimidation through embarrassment and disrespect.
I had realized in myself, I could be attracted to a feminine gay man as long as he wasn’t putting on a show for an audience. In other words, if he’s being himself, I’m okay with it. I took notice to Gavin the first day I saw him. He was handling a matter with a customer and he came off very in control and secure with his direction. I didn’t let the fact that he was a superior apprehend my attraction to him since he wasn’t my direct superior. Like with the chase factor most men natural have, I paid attention to Gavin.
He dressed very well, his hair was always cut, and he carried himself with a confident glow. Seeing him interact with his co-workers, he was very goofy and friendly. The only somewhat bad review I had gotten about him was that he was a diva, which as of now, I categorized more as high maintenance.
Nonetheless, leaving work one night, a friend of mine convinced me to take control of my feelings for the superior and casually, ask him out. Well, not directly. There was an event for my latest novel coming out and I asked him to attend the gathering for it. He agreed.
However, the days that followed me asking him out, not much changed. It seemed as though my good friend, whom I carpooled with, was able to gain more from Gavin than me. “Gavin, do you know how cute you are? I can say that because I’m a woman of a certain age,” she had told him, later telling me how his face turned bright red with the compliment.
Most men like Gavin used a certain level of confidence and status to hide vulnerability. It was not an everyday occurrence that a superior would agree to go to some hourly associate’s outing which had no involvement with work whatsoever. Did Gavin know that I was interested? How could he not I felt. I barely knew him and I was asking him to a significant event for me. However the case, I was willing to own up to my feelings and accept the fact that I liked Gavin and the presentation he delivered.
Yes, he might have been a diva but it was better than half the deadbeats who had worse behavioral issues. The fact of the matter was, Gavin had given me a presentation. The biggest question in my head was, “What had I presented to me?” Only time would tell. The book party was in two weeks.