Written by: Langston John Blaze
I was going to have to accept that getting over Nathan might take more time than I had anticipated. Lord, thank God I was never actually in a relationship with him. I’d probably be in a madhouse at this point. Scrolling down my Facebook timeline, I saw this beautiful photo of him. I immediately thought about deleting him off my page, but I held back. It wasn’t so much my pride that didn’t want him to know he effected me. What was it? I wanted to forget him; pretend like he existed in a fictional world that couldn’t be touched anyway. But he was there. Everywhere I looked, he was there.
Recently, my friend Omar continued to make it known to me he thought Nathan was dating Caleb, who was acting with Nathan and I in the stage play production I had to stop performing in. “No, I don’t think so,” I said in a sharp tone in response to Omar. He threw his hands up. I would never admit it to him, but I was offended by the reality in that statement. Therefore, I was on the defense. No one wanted to hear that someone that had feelings for was with somebody else.
Alongside that, every club or gathering I went to, I had to watch Caleb groping Nathan’s ass. Couple clubbing every now and then would be cool, but if I was in a relationship, I’d have no reason to want to take my significant other to the club every weekend. No one wanted to admit it but some times we go to the club to see a new face that hasn’t caught our eye before. So, in a sense, isn’t taking the man you’re currently dating to the club every weekend playing couple in single territory? Dramatic? Okay, maybe just a little but gay men, and for that matter, men in general, get bored so easily.
Nevertheless, on my trip to New York City, a friend of mine told me he asked his boyfriend if he was interested in having a threesome. Meanwhile, the reason my friend presented this to his boyfriend was he didn’t want him to get bored in the relationship. I couldn’t help but think to myself, Is this where relationships have come to? I’m afraid you’re bored, so let’s have a threesome? When you break down the word “relationship”, you’ll find relate and ship. If we stop relating, what ship do we have to get on?
My newest friend, Kel Black had seen Nathan’s interaction with his boyfriend and other men in the city who had a popular I-get-around persona. “That shit aint real!” Kel told me one evening at a rooftop gathering in Atlanta. I was beginning to see it too. When I saw Caleb and Nathan together, the only thing I could think about was sex. I didn’t see love in their interactions. Some times, it made things easy knowing Nathan was not “the one” . I wanted to believe I never loved him. So why did his photo make my heart drop so deep? You can love someone and know you don’t need them in your life.
Lately, I kept my interactions with Nathan at a minimal. Kel told me about the façade I needed to put on. “When you enter, it’s like a show. Wave and say hello. Don’t let them know what’s inside you.” Kel was right about one thing. The gays knew how to put on a show but it was one of envy and pride. I couldn’t lie about how I felt, because it felt too real. Not to mention, I had a feeling I’d be working on the play again with Nathan and Caleb. Suddenly, my underwear drawer was getting overcrowded…with more dramas than drawers.